i read through a friend’s tumblr..she’s undergoing a painful breakup but i believe she’ll get through it soon..i can feel the heartbreak she’s feeling and i can tell it’s even more heartbreaking to her as she’s the one experiencing it..dear friend, you’re such a strong woman i know you’ll get over him with time..keep yourself busy, make yourself occupied..soon you’ll realise you’ve outgrown the sadness he causes you..
i went through break up myself and i knew exactly the bitter taste of that recovering process..my break up was not because of a third party or any of those dramatic occurrences but let’s just say, we chose to not stay for there’s nothing worth staying in for..phew~it’s too complicated for me to describe but yeah, i chose for us to go our separate ways..you read me right, i chose it..
so yeah, the break up hit us both so badly..we both suffered but we both felt free afterwards..soon after that, i knew that was what i wanted..i needed my time alone to cope with the pressures from my studies and all the problems that came with it..friends, house etc..to me at that time, i just couldn’t handle commitments and studies at one time..time difference was also a contributing factor..and eventually i gave up the commitment..
i made myself busy, i purposely took up some heavy courses, i flew off to different countries..and i talked about it..a lot..thank you to Gundam and Amir for sticking around throughout that period, for your time and thoughts that i eventually got over it..
to that one person i hurt, things were not easy on me either..i got so vulnerable, i felt the loneliness, i cried regretting every decisions i made, i kept blaming myself for causing everything that i had nightmares almost every night..but i knew it had to be done, i had to stop lying to myself, i had to stop faking the feelings toward you..but no, i’ve never hated you..
i moved on..not without hesitation..i doubt if i can commit again and most importantly i fear karma will slap me on my face..
so if karma is to hit me, that who i have now decides to walk away, or decides that he’s not feeling it anymore, guess i’ll just have to let it go..i’ll not let him stay out of pity, i’ll not let him fake his feelings for this relationship..because if those were to happen at the first place, the relationship is long crushed..i vow to myself that i don’t want to be anyone’s ex anymore but hey, that’s not for me to decide..if it were to happen, i have to let it..
i’m scared of losing, i’m scared to have to feel heart broken again..if one day what i have now is crushed into pieces, i’ll look back to this post, reminding myself to be strong to outgrow the sadness and frustrations, because it all happens for reasons..
what will happen next is His decision and if i could ask, i’d like for what i have now to stay..
because i do, love him..sincerely..